Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down?

Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling  potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, “Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?”
Bob replied, “I wish I hadn’t, but I just can’t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can’t eat just one potato ship.”

Quotes from baseball player Dan Quisenberry, a side-arm left-handed relief pitcher for the Kansas City Royals from 1979-1988:

 “It really helps to be stupid if you’re a relief pitcher.  You can’t be thinking about too many things.  You can’t be on the mound worrying about a 35-inning streak where you haven’t given up a double to a left-handed batter or something.  Relief pitchers have to get into a zone of their own.  I just hope I’m stupid enough.”

 “There is no homework.” 

–       On being asked what was the best thing about baseball.

 

“I found a delivery in my flaw.”

–       On his pitching problems.

 

“He didn’t sound like a baseball player.  He said things like ‘Nevertheless’ and “If, in fact.’”

–       On Milwaukee’s Ted Simmons

 

“I want to thank all the pitchers who couldn’t go nine innings, and Manager Dick Howser, who wouldn’t let them.”

–       On winning the AL Fireman of the Year Award for 1982.

 

“I’ve seen the future and it’s much like the present, only longer.”

 

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

The following are actual answers provided by 6th graders during a history test.  (Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.)

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

 

This must be the definitive knock-knock joke:

Knock-Knock.

Who’s There?

Doris.

Doris Who?

Doris Closed.  Why do you think I was knocking?

 

 

 

Thanks, Kim!

 

See October 12 and 26 for more airline attendant announcements.

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the pilot was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, a mask will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child… pick your favorite.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 1342 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later…. “Da-ad….”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”

“WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”

Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”

“WHAT!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

See October 5 and 19 posts for previous answers to science tests.

– For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

– For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

– Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

– The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

– Blood flows down one leg and up the other.