Elijah the Fireman

Elijah was a major proponent of punishment by fire.  There was the famous episode with 450 priests of Baal, where those priests could not get Baal to burn up an offering, but Elijah’s God not only burnt up the water-soaked offering when asked, but the altar, the wood and the dust all around!

Later, in 2 Kings 1, the king of Israel is sick and wants to hear what prophet Elijah has to say about his potential recovery.  He sends a captain and fifty men to bring Elijah back. The captain demands, “O man of God, the king says, ‘come down.”  And Elijah answers, “If I am a man of God, let fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty.”  And so it did.  Evidently Elijah was indeed a man of God!

A second captain with fifty soldiers is dispatched.  His imperious command is “O man of God, this is the king’s order, ‘Come down quickly.’” He must not have heard about the first group, because Elijah’s answer and the soldiers’ demise is exactly the same – burnt to a crisp.

The third captain shows admirable wisdom, falling on his knees before Elijah and begging, “O man of God, please let my life, and the life of these fifty servants of yours, be precious in your sight.  Behold, fire came down from heaven and consumed the two former captains of fifty men with their fifties, but now let my life be precious in your sight.”

The angel of the Lord let Elijah know he was safe with this captain, so Elijah went to the king.  The message was not positive; the sick king would indeed die as a result of his illness.  At least he was not scorched.

Everyone Lies

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
 He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
 George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
 “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
 Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
 One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
 George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

Aaron Gets Too Much

The following introduces a new Category of post on aknappforthat.com – Stories. Fiction. Some are based on true events, but all are made up.  Enjoy!

Sunday morning, Many Years BC.

“Moshi, what are you complaining about now?  You don’t like your tent, you whine about the manna, you grumble about being bored on our days off.  What’s your problem?”

“I’m really feeling gypped. I took my offering up to the tent yesterday and it just irks me that Aaron and his boys get to eat part of it, but not me.  It was MY lamb that I had to give up.  Why couldn’t I get a nice little roast out of it?”

“Well, for starters, you gave it up.  Sounds like you did not really want to do the offering.”

“I do it because I am supposed to.”

“And Aaron does it because he is supposed to. They don’t have their own flocks.  They get some of the meat and bread as pay for their labor.  They work hard – they have to be butchers and garbage men and cleaners.  And they have to wear those hot sweaty robes with all the jewels.”

“Well I work hard too.  And it all seems a bit shady how Moses set his brother up so that he and his boys get free food for life.  Can you say ‘Nepotism’?”

“God picked them, not Moses. They are God’s servants, doing holy work.  And I wouldn’t want their job for all the free food in China.  I don’t want to be next to that huge cloud in the tent all day. “

“But why can’t they share some? And why can’t we eat any of the fat?  That’s the best part of my sheep.”

“It’s holy.  You were there the first time they did the sacrifice.  YOU know that God himself burned up all the offering and his cloud filled the tent.”

“Yeah, right.  That was just some crazy lightning strike.  And it saved the “priests” a trip to the garbage dump because it was all gone.”

“Your clay jar is really less than half full, isn’t it?”

“At least I’m not like you, blithely trusting Moses all the time.”

 

Tuesday morning, the same number of years BC.

“Where’s Moshi?”

“Didn’t you hear?  He died yesterday.”

“WHAT?  What happened?”

“He got hit by some crazy lightning strike.”

“Hmmmm.”

Skillet

ScrapIronLast year, we made a trip to a huge outdoor Chicago-Land art fair, where ScrapIron was acquired.  He is a bit rough and loony but is always ready to play out in the back yard. This year, we found a studious, colorful younger brother named Skillet.

Skillet

 

 

 

Some would say Skillet is a bit of a bookworm, but only because he wears glasses, is holding a book, and is curvy like a worm.  We put him in front of the big hydrangea plant, not realizing that in a ground level photo, he appears to have a nice white wig. He doesn’t seem to mind such distractions; that book has captured his interest ever since we found him.

You are welcome to come by and greet Scrapiron and Skillet.

Cool Number Dates – 7/5/15-7/11/15

The majority of the cool number dates in July (3) happen this week, so enjoy the feast; the famine is coming!

Wednesday 7/8/15 is a lovely addition day: 7 + 8 = 15

Saturday 7/11/15 serves up two facts.  It is a sequence of 4.  That is, 7 to 11 is the same as 11 to 15, making it a sequence, and the spread is 4 in each case.

Also, 7/11 is free Slurpee day if you can find a 7-11 store.  The one closest to me closed last year.  Bummer.

Jumbles

A common feature in many newspapers is the daily JUMBLE word game.  Four words are scrambled.  Pull specified letters from each solved word and unscramble the lot to answer some cute pun.  Hangman-like dashes are provided as a clue to the final phrase. Here are the JUMBLES from a recent week (answers below):

When the British noblemen got into an argument, they

_ _ _ _ _    _ _    _ _ _

 

The Internet Site that sold discount wedding gowns had a

_ _ _    _ _ – _ _ _ _ _

 

When they ran out of lettuce for salads, the chef told the kitchen staff to

“_ _ _ _ _ _ _”  _ _ _ _

 

When the author went for a horseback ride, he ended up getting

“_ _ _ _ _ ‘ _ “   _ _ _ _ _

 

After the pit stop, the race car

_ _ – _ _ _ _ _ _

 

The identical twins were just alike even when they were

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

 

 

Duked it out

 

Web ad-dress

 

“Romaine” calm

 

“Rider’s” cramp

 

Re-zoomed

 

Indifferent

Who Is God?

This is the fourth question in the Westminster Shorter Catechism and the seventh question in the Larger Catechism.  You can quickly see why the Larger is longer than the Shorter.

The longer answer, in the Larger Catechism, is footnoted extensively with Bible proof texts, and goes like this:

God is a spirit, in and of himself

  • Infinite in being, glory, blessedness, and perfection
  • All sufficient
  • Eternal
  • Unchangeable
  • Incomprehensible
  • Every where present
  • Almighty
  • Knowing all things
  • Most holy
  • Most just
  • Most merciful and gracious
  • Long-suffering
  • Abundant in goodness and truth.

This is another example of the Big God that the Westminster authors knew very well.

Fast and Furious

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”