These are additional answers to science and health tests. See October 5 and look ahead to November 2 for more!
– Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
– Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
– Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
– The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
– A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
– To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Diane and Linnea can attest to the fact that the right funny word in a tense situation can cause uncontrollable laughter and provide a welcome release.
The second day after my heart surgery, Diane and Linnea were the two family members allowed in the room. The nurse arrived with the order to remove the drainage tubes from under my diaphragm.
As a side note, check out someone who has had open heart surgery. They will likely have a long vertical scar where the surgeon cracked open the breastbone, and two smaller horizontal slit scars under the ribs where tubes were left in to drain the fluids from the surgery site. Those tubes are a lot longer on the inside than you might think.
In any case, the nurse was from some Scandinavian county, and she was explaining the removal procedure in the sing song measure of the Muppet’s Swedish Chef, “I am going to count to tree, and on da turd…”
The ladies looked at each other, covered their mouths, and ran out of the room to prevent laughing in the nurse’s face. While they were convulsed in the hallway, another nurse walked up to give them comfort, “It’s so hard when you see them in pain, isn’t it?” Diane and Linnea could only nod; they were too out of breath to comment or say thank you.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. Thank God for heroes.
My friend Glen VanAntwerp has a delightful way of re-telling Bible stories to catch the underlying funny bits. My favorite was the Israelite response under Jehoshaphat when three armies – the Moabites, the Ammonites and the Meunites – were approaching Jerusalem in 2 Chronicles 20. Jehoshphat the King stands up before the people with an impassioned prayer that ends “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”
The people stood there until the Prophet Jahaziel tells the word of the Lord – “Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s. Go down against them tomorrow and the Lord will be with you.”
Glen sets the scene for the Israelites the next day – The marching band and the singers are up front, and everyone else strolling out with a nice lunch and blankets to sit on. While they are singing, the three invading armies are sizing each other up. The two bigger armies talk to each other about how much better it will be to only share the loot two ways instead of three, so they greedily attack and wipe out the small army. Then the two big guys look at each other and decide it will be better to just share the loot one way – they attack each other and wipe each other out.
So the Israelites arrive at the field of Ziz, see the slaughter, and fill their picnic baskets up with gold, silver, and unexpected wealth to go along with their lunch leftovers. “And the fear of God came on all the kingdoms of the countries when they heard that the LORD had fought against the enemies of Israel.” (2 Chronicles 20.29)
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
In John 16.7, Jesus tells his disciples it will be better for them if he goes away. What! The Son of God, our master and our friend, is going away, and that is a good thing? But, Jesus will send the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whose ministry is explained in 16.8, 13-14. The Spirit will
– Convict the world concerning sin
– Convict the world concerning righteousness
– Convict the world concerning judgment
– Guide you into all the truth
– Declare to you the things that are to come
– Glorify Jesus
– Take what Jesus has said and declare it to you.
Jesus’ death and resurrection provide redemption from sin and life everlasting. And we get the Holy Spirit to guide us. It was indeed wonderful for them and for us that Jesus went away.
If you are vexed about the paucity of wonderful number dates recently, wait until November. Primes and a sequence await.
For the coming week, there is one cool date, 10/16/13 is a halfback day. Go up 6 from 10 to 16, and come half-way back (3) from 16 to 13. Last week’s monologue on the end of half-back days neglected to remind the meaning of half back days… it is named after the retirees who move from Pennsylvania, New York or Michigan down to Florida and then move half way back to Tennessee or North Carolina when they find Florida is too hot.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
A flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
“Thank you for flying United’s Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
Yesterday – October 10, 2013 – was the 13th anniversary of my aortic heart valve replacement surgery. As regards the date, you may quickly realize that the new valve was 10 years old on 10/10/10!
The decision when you have the valve replaced is between a mechanical (graphite) or animal (pig or cow) version. The mechanical lasts longer but requires taking blood thinners for the rest of your life. I chose mechanical mainly because my father-in-law Tom had one; we could compare notes on the operation, the click of the valve, and levels of Coumadin. I also hoped to live longer than the 10-12 year life expectancy of an animal valve and did not want to have another such surgery.
My best man Glenn and my brother Scott both decided to have animal valves. Glenn had lupus, and the doctors did not want him taking Coumadin. He had to have his replaced twice! After the second surgery he sent a note saying everything was fine and he had no side effects, and he included a picture of himself with a pig snout! No side effects, indeed!
Scott’s doctor told him a piece of information that was new to me – aortic valve replacement is the most common hereditary valve problem… hereditary fits us, anyway.
My friend Dave also has a mechanical valve. He is the only person I know (besides me) who has a cool plastic card that identifies the serial number, model number, and “heart valve implant” date. My other friend Bob also had his valve replaced, along with three or four by-passes; I don’t know what version he decided on.
Two things I do know – this valve of mine keeps on ticking (literally), and it is comforting to know it will keep ticking until God wants it to stop.
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”
A. Knapp for That 