If you don’t know how to play Euchre, there are quick and easy instructions at http://www.euchrelinks.com/learn.html .

I’m sure these stories started long before, but I just started observing, listening and recording a couple of years ago. My buddy Ralph is part of a weekly euchre card group that meets in the community hall down the street from his house. He’s been going there ever since he retired – he likes to say “retired” but he was really downsized when GM closed the assembly plant he had been working at for twenty-seven years and Ralph did not want to move to the new one in Tennessee. “Too far south, and too hot in the summer,” he said at the time. “I might as well take unemployment here and see what comes along. I’m sure someone will want to hire a good looking career line worker like myself.”

Ralph invited me to sub for Blaine who had “stupidly scheduled a doctor’s appointment for the same time as the card game – which has only been going on forever – and how he couldn’t remember that I cannot tell, but anyway, can you help us out? We need a fourth and I already tried my other buddies that I know can play the game and you’re my last hope, Obi Wan.” How could I refuse such a grand invitation? I showed up expecting to be rolled easily but discovered these well-read underachievers liked each other and liked talking more than concentrating on the cards. I think that’s why they chose Euchre instead of Bridge. Just five cards in a hand, it goes really quick, and it’s easy to remember where you were even after someone goes off on one of their loud tangential monologues.

I played reasonably well that first time, which I can only credit to good cards – how hard is it to say “loner” when you are sitting left of Ralph the dealer, the up card is a nine of spades, and you have both black Jacks, the queen of spades, and the Ace and Queen of hearts? Unfortunately, Ralph’s partner Julio had the King and nine of hearts, and took the last trick, preventing a four spot.

I tried to be upbeat – it was disappointing to come so close and be turned away, and the boisterous boasting of Ralph and Julio was a bit hard to take. “That was the worst hand I’ve had in nine weeks – four nines and a  king – but I still took a trick! Euchre is a great game!” My partner Freddy saw the silver lining. “We did take one point and are now leading you losers 8-3, so please tone it down a bit –this is not the NBA finals.”

Julio was so proud of his cards that he came back with a puzzler… “Have you ever had a cinch loner but not been able to call it because somebody else also had one and called first? That would be even more of a heartbreak than this hand that Luke had over here and I so wonderfully squashed!”

My partner Freddy ponders a bit, fiddles with his cell phone, writes down some big numbers, and lays it out. “I found this site on the internet that say the odds of being dealt a sure loner are about 1 in 1500. They called a sure loner as five top trumps. ”

Ralph asks, “You don’t have to have TOP trumps if you have the top four and another one.”

“Yeah, but then we’d have to figure out the odds ourselves and it is easier just to let the internet do it.”

“Unfortunately, although several sites figure out ONE sure loner, I can’t find one that has TWO in the same hand. Let’s estimate based on that 1 in 1,500. Once you have one, the probability for a second one is probably close to the same, so let’s just multiply them together, which I think is what you do when you want the probability of two events when you know the probability of each. My calculator says 1 in two and a quarter million. Those are pretty slim odds. Don’t hold your breath, Julio. Or, go ahead and hold your breath if it will make you stop jabbering about your “great” play!”