A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a salad. After eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As he gets up to leave, the bartender yells, “Hey what are you doing? You shot my waiter and didn’t pay for the food!”
“I’m a panda. Look it up!”
The bartender finds a dictionary with this entry for pandas: “A tree-climbing mammal found in Asia, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”
My kids introduced me to The Ranger’s Apprentice series of books by John Flanagan. The Rangers of Araluen wore camouflage clothing and were trained to move quietly and quickly through whatever terrain they found themselves in. They could “freeze” and hold a position for hours; they used the shadows to their advantage; they even trained their horses to move in “quiet” mode. They also knew enough of human reactions to act naturally, like they belonged, when infiltrating enemy camps. They were the perfect spies and information gatherers, and their skills with a longbow and knives made them fierce warriors. The books are great fun, and the humble rangers make great heroes.
David and his mighty man Abishai act in a similar manner in 1 Samuel 26.6-12. They sneak into the camp of Saul and take the spear and water bottle from near the ruler’s head. Abishai wants to kill the king, but David will not listen to any threats or actions against “the Lord’s anointed.” Instead, they leave the camp and from a safe distance proclaim to Saul and his men what they have done. Saul realizes that his life has been spared, and he calls off this latest manhunt for David.
These two real-life Rangers were likely not as skilled as those in the book, but they had an even more decided advantage. Verse 12 explains the reason behind their success: “So David took the spear and the jar of water from Saul’s head, and they went away. No man saw it or knew it, nor did any awake, for they were all asleep, because a deep sleep from the lord had fallen upon them.” It is good to have great skills; it is even better to have God on your side.
The last cool date of April (only the third one in the whole month!) is today. A halfback day – 4/26/15. Start at 4 and go up 22 to 26 then come half way back to 15.
The first day of May is very cool! Leave the zero off the front of the month and day and you have 5/1/15. Leave out the dividing slashes to get 5115 – a Pallindrome!
How come there are no knock-knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
A. Why did the chicken cross the road?
B. To get to a really gullible guy’s house.
A. Knock Knock.
B. Who’s there?
A. The chicken.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Don’ be silly. Opportunity never knocks twice.
Thanks, Cindy!
At a recent family book study night, we each answered a question based on Paul Miller’s popular book, A Praying Life. The book suggests that we must pray because we are helpless – only God can effect true change. So the question for our prayer time was “How are you feeling helpless tonight?” As each person shared, another prayed for them in their helplessness.
The prayers needed to be strong in asking the Lord’s blessing and good gifts; we did not want to sink into discouragement over all the things we cannot accomplish. It was good to be reminded regularly that even though we are helpless in our own strength, we are hopeful and joyful because of the grace, care, and good news of Jesus.
A young man called directory assistance and asked for the phone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix. Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, then said, “Well, most people call me Crash.”
Early in my Christian walk, I was drawn in by the logic and systematic approach of the Bible. In particular, when I wondered how it is we are supposed to learn and obey the ten commandments, I found the commands in Deuteronomy 5 were followed by how to live them in chapter 6 – teach them diligently to your children; talk of them when you sit, walk, lie down, or rise; bind them on your hand; write them on your doorposts and on your gates (verses 7-9).
And I still learn new pearls many years later in the same passages. It wasn’t just the techniques and the doing, but God’s hand in the learning. Author Jack Klumpenhower, in his book, Show Them Jesus, asks the question, “How were kids in those (Old Testament) days taught to follow God’s laws?” Check out Deuteronomy 6.20-21: “When your son asks you in time to come, ‘what is the meaning for the testimonies and the statutes and the rules that the LORD our God has commanded you?’ then you shall say to your son, ‘We were Pharaoh’s slaves in Egypt, And the LORD brought us our of Egypt with a might hand.”
Just as New Testament motivation for a Christian walk is based on the salvation provided by Jesus on the cross, the motivation for Israel to follow God was the salvation he provided in bringing them out of Egypt.
A woman was in labor with her first child. Suddenly she started shouting, “Don’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The husband asked, “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”
In Jeremiah 31.31-37, God announces through his prophet that he will be making a new covenant with his people. He is replacing the covenant he made when he brought the people out of Egypt; they were unable to keep that one. In the following list of New Covenant promises, one can see that not all things are changed, but the ministry of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit will have an impact, following the plan of God the Father:
The last several verses show the seriousness of God’s intentions. The likelihood that this covenant will cease is the same as the likelihood that the sun, the moon and the stars will cease giving light (vs35), and as likely as man understanding all of creation (heavens above and foundations of earth, vs 37).
The only cool date this week is today. 4/19/15 is a minus subtract day;
4 – 19 = -15
Still, better than last week.
A. Knapp for That 