Drummers can’t be beat

Guitarists fret over everything

Band members must play well with others

Without music life would Bflat

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

Two elderly couples were walking down the street, the women a couple of metres ahead of the men. One man told the other that they’d had a wonderful meal the night before-great food, reasonably priced.

His friend asked for the name of the restaurant. “Well, I’ll need your help on this. Let’s see, there’s a flower that smells great and has thorns on the stem?”

“That would be a rose,” his friend responded.

“That’s it!” the man replied. Then he shouted to his wife: “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?”

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

see Too Punny for more

The other day I sent my friend a huge pile of snow. I called him up and asked ”Did you get my drift?”

One day in a tavern a sailor and a pirate were comparing stories of their adventures. The pirate had a peg leg, one hook for a hand and an eye patch. The sailor asked about his peg leg. “I lost it in a shark attack,” the pirate said.

“What happened to your hand?”

“That I lost in a sword fight,” the pirate answered. And when he was asked about his patch, he explained a seagull dropping fell into his eye.

Astonished, the sailor said, “You mean to say that you lost your eye because of a seagull?”

“Well,” the pirate replied, “it happened the first day I had the hook.”

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Well, another day has passed and I didn’t use algebra once

A book a day keeps my brain at play

An Apple a day keeps Windows away

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!”

The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.

After getting his vehicle fixed, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts searching the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, where he sees the guy who said he’d help him, with 25 penguins still in tow.

“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”

“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”

I am a bomb technician.  If you see me running, try to keep up!

Engineers are not boring.  We just get excited over boring things!

Pilots:  Looking down at people since 1903.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.