He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

See previous list for more

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

 

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay.

You have my Word.

 

Temporarily out of my mind.  Please leave a message

If you are agitated and confused, my work here is done

You can’t make everyone happy, so concentrate on me!

Gone to my happy place… be back soon.

My train of thought has left the station

I haven’t lost my mind; I have a backup somewhere.

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, ”How flexible are you?”

I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”.

 

To the beat of the drum, the slaves rowed the boat across the ocean, and the strain of every stroke showed on their faces. When the first mate appeared on deck, the drum was silent and the oars stilled.

“Men,” he announced, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you can stop rowing for today. We’ve reached an island.”

The slaves dropped their oars with a sigh of relief.

“We’ll kill a few boars, drink rum and have a feast,” he continued.

The slaves whispered among themselves in anticipation of the big event. Except one, who asked, “What’s the bad news?”

“Well,” replied the first mate, “tomorrow the captain wants to go waterskiing.”

 

I haven’t even begun to procrastinate

 

I put the PRO in Procrastinate

 

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate

 

I was having dinner with a world chess champion the other night, and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Get out! We don’t want your type in here”

 

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak to the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked. Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and gave the man a sharp smack on the shoulder. “Did that help?” he inquired. “I don’t know,” the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife. She’s waiting in the car.”