A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

Think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram

The pentagon was supposed to be an octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.  However, three rights make a left.

 

The 16^th tee had a long fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer hooked his shot badly. It soared over the fence and onto the street where it hit the wheel of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.

The golfer’s friends were all amazed. “How did you do that?”

He replied, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a salad. After eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As he gets up to leave, the bartender yells, “Hey what are you doing? You shot my waiter and didn’t pay for the food!”

“I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender finds a dictionary with this entry for pandas: “A tree-climbing mammal found in Asia, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”

How come there are no knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

 

A. Why did the chicken cross the road?

B. To get to a really gullible guy’s house.

A. Knock Knock.

B. Who’s there?

A. The chicken.

 

The guy who invented knock-knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

 

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Opportunity.

Don’ be silly.  Opportunity never knocks twice.

 

Thanks, Cindy!

A young man called directory assistance and asked for the phone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix. Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, then said, “Well, most people call me Crash.”

A woman was in labor with her first child. Suddenly she started shouting, “Don’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

The husband asked, “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”

“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

Many newpapers, including the one in Bradenton, Florida, feature a word puzzle called Cryptoquip.  The solution involves a substitution of letters based on an initial clue, word sizes, and letter placement.  Recently these were some of the solutions:

 

If a new variety show dealt with the topic of British nobility, I would call it a peer revue.

There’s no need for you to notify me to hurry up and prepare myself.  I’m already all ready.

Certain people in Northern Spain lying on a beach trying to acquire a tan: Basques in the sun.

Prior to becoming business bosses in Turkey’s capital, they took Ankara management classes.

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “You’re really famous in this place. We’ve even got a drink named for you.”

“You’ve got a drink named Fred?”

A man owned a prize show horse with a beautiful long flowing mane and tail. One day the owner went to groom his horse and was surprised to find two sparrows twittering away, building a nest in the horse’s mane. The man didn’t want to harm the birds, so he tried picking them out of the mane. When that failed, he tried scaring them, first with a pistol shot, then recorded hawk calls and, finally, a stuffed owl stuck on the fence beside the horse. Nothing worked; the birds always rebuilt their nest.

In desperation, the man called his vet, who advised: “Every morning for three days, sprinkle two tablespoons of brewer’s yeast on the mane. That ought to work.”

The owner did as directed, and sure enough, after three days the birds were gone. Happy, he called the vet back. “Doc, it worked!” he exclaimed. “How did you know what to do?”

“Simple,” the vet replied. “Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.”