Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

 

There was this guy at a bar, looking mournfully at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears, “This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep and go in late to my office. My boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and after I get out, I remember I left my wallet inside but the cab driver has already driven away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, and  just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.”

“All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.”

“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”

Check 6/6/15 for more.

 

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a dumb name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”

 

What I lack in sleep I make up for in dumb stares

Um.   The element of confusion

Everything I say is substantiated by my own opinion

Here I am.  Now, what are your other two wishes?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Cowsgo.

Cowsgo who?

No, that’s owls. Cows go moo.

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

 

“I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.”

“Half the people you know are below average.”

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

What does batman say to robin before getting in the batmobile?

Get in the batmobile.

A proud and confident shyster makes a bet with a visitor from the country. The genius says, “Hey farmer, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”

The farmer says, “Okay.”

The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The farmer doesn’t know and hands over the $5.

The farmer says, “Now I ask you: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”

The genius thinks and tries very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. He says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”

The farmer hands over $5.