One cool thing about jokes is that most people forget the punch lines, so every couple of years you can re-tell all the old ones!

You may recall the lists of kids names published here, here, and here.

The first few went like this:

Who is the kid laying on the floor?  MATT

Who is the kid floating in the pool?  BOB

Who is the kid hanging on the wall? ART

Who is the kid next to the hole in the ground?  DOUG

Who is the kid IN the hole in the ground?  PHIL

 

 

And, here is a brand new one to add to the list:

Who is the kid that sets her bills on fire?

Bernadette

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

The wasted man asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop, “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled.”

 

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend… but she left me before we met.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

See other Steven Wright items here and here.

 

 

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

 

A common feature in many newspapers is the daily JUMBLE word game.  Four words are scrambled.  Pull specified letters from each solved word and unscramble the lot to answer some cute pun.  Hangman-like dashes are provided as a clue to the final phrase. Here are the JUMBLES from a recent week (answers below):

When the British noblemen got into an argument, they

_ _ _ _ _    _ _    _ _ _

 

The Internet Site that sold discount wedding gowns had a

_ _ _    _ _ – _ _ _ _ _

 

When they ran out of lettuce for salads, the chef told the kitchen staff to

“_ _ _ _ _ _ _”  _ _ _ _

 

When the author went for a horseback ride, he ended up getting

“_ _ _ _ _ ‘ _ “   _ _ _ _ _

 

After the pit stop, the race car

_ _ – _ _ _ _ _ _

 

The identical twins were just alike even when they were

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

 

 

Duked it out

 

Web ad-dress

 

“Romaine” calm

 

“Rider’s” cramp

 

Re-zoomed

 

Indifferent

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.

There are two kinds of people in the world:  those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can do math and those who can’t.