Once upon a time, an engaged couple went out to a Karaoke club.  Some guy gets up and sings the greatest cover of “Stairway to Heaven” they had ever heard. 

So after he was done they asked him if he ever sang weddings.  Turns out he’d just recorded an album of his own love songs, and he was a justice of the peace, so he could marry them.  Unfortunately, his songs were so bad, he ruined the couple’s reception. 

The moral of the story:  Don’t book a judge by his cover. 

 

Found in the comics section – “Get Fuzzy”

 

 

Two men, one from Czechoslovakia and one from Hungary, went hunting in Romania.  When they did not return for several days, the townspeople went looking for them. 

They came across signs of a struggle and two bears, which had obviously just eaten.  They killed the female and found the Hungarian in its belly. “Oh, dear,” one said, “I bet the Czech’s in the male.”

A string walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “Get out.  We don’t serve your kind in here.”

The string leaves.  Once outside, he bends over and pushes his head through the loop in his belly.  Then he straightens up and tussles his hair. 

The string walks back into the bar.  The bartender asks, “Hey, aren’t you that string that I just kicked out of here?”

The string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late for dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder. 

 

 

 

Thanks, Scott!

An Eskimo was very cold one day, out in his one-person boat.    He decided to light a fire in the bottom of the boat.  Unfortunately, the bottom burned up and the boat sank.

The moral of the story:  “You can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.”

Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they are just a little meteor.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks, Bill!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

 

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

Why did the chicken really cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done.

 

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

 

Why did the Punk Rocker cross the road?

He had stapled himself to the chicken.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road half-way?

She wanted to lay it on the line.

 

A man was confiding in his counselor, “I don’t know what to make of my dreams.  One night I dream I am a teepee, the next night I am a wigwam.  Every other night – teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam.  What is going on, doc?”

The counselor says, “I see your problem.  You’re too tense.”

You can say “EW” if you need to

 

1. Knock-Knock

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo Who?

Don’t cry, it’s just a joke

 

2. Knock-Knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting Cow.

Inter…  MOO!  rupting cow… MOO! who?

 

3. The action begins:

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Hoppin’ through the forest

Scoopin’ up the field mice

and boppin’ ‘em on the head

 The good fairy comes down and says,

“Little Bunny Foo Foo

I don’t want to see you

Scoopin’ up the field mice

and boppin’ ‘em on the head”

 “If you do it again, I will turn you into a goon.”

 Unable to stop himself:

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Hoppin’ through the forest

Scoopin’ up the field mice

and boppin’ ‘em on the head

 

The good fairy comes down and turns Little Bunny Foo Foo into a goon.

 

The moral of the story:

Hare today, goon tomorrow