Jokes from kids are great.

After telling Dan and Rachel Foster’s children several ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ riddles (see post on 6/15/13), Adam the youngest asks,

“Why did the pirate cross the road?”

“To get a new hand.”

 

His older sister Esther gently corrected him with, “He meant to say…”

“Why did Captain Hook cross the road?”

“To get to the second hand store.”

 

Adam had the facts right but needs a little practice on the delivery.

There is a new cookie for aliens:  Oreo 51

 

 

 

Adapted from Frank and Ernest

Did you hear that Mary Poppins moved to San Francisco and opened a fortune-telling shop?  She gives readings after smelling people’s breath.  The sign over the door says,

“Super California Mystic – Expert Halitosis”

 

And, Mary employed a dwarf as an assistant fortune teller.  The dwarf robbed a bank and has not been captured.  The headline in the San Francisco paper read,

“Small Medium at Large”

This is more a conundrum than a joke, but…

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.

The bartender takes down a shotgun and fires a blast, just missing the man.

The man says, “Thanks,” and leaves a $5 tip.

Why the thanks, and why the tip?

 

 

 

(From an NCIS episode)

 

The man had the hiccups.

A snail went into a new car showroom and bought a new car.  “I want the fastest car you have, painted white with a big red ‘S’ on the side.”

The salesman said, “OK, but why the unique paint job?”

“I am tired of hearing people say, “look at that slow snail.”  Now they will say, “Look at that escargot!”

“Baseball is ninety percent mental.  The other half is physical.”

“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s going to stop them.”

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

While explaining why the sun made Yankee Stadium’s left field difficult to play during day games in October – “It gets later early out here.”

“Slump?  I ain’t in no slump.  I just ain’t hitting.”

A man from the Isle of Wight

could travel faster than light.

He left one day,

in a relative way,

And returned on the preceding night. 

 

 

 

Not really a joke, but I find it clever and sort of funny.

When he was coaching football at Indiana University, someone asked Lee Corso about the uneaten, anonymous gift of a fruitcake that had been in the office several days.  He replied, “When your team goes 2 and 8, you don’t mess with an unsigned fruitcake.”

How do you catch a unique squirrel?

You “nique” up on him.

 

How do you catch a tame squirrel?

“Tame” way.

A poor woman gave birth to twins but had to give them up for adoption.  One was sent to an orphanage in Mexico and named Juan.  The other was adopted by Egyptian parents and named Amahl.  

Years later the birth mom wanted to connect with her boys; she received a picture of Juan and told her husband how much she also wanted to see her other son.  Her husband replied, “They’re twins.  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.”