A farmer tried for years to tell his two horses apart.  He cut off one’s tail, which worked for a while but then grew back.  He cut off one’s mane, but the same problem occurred.  Finally he found an answer – he measured them, and determined that the black one was an inch taller than the white one.

 

The same farmer tried training his horse to eat less.  “I gave him a little less feed every week and things were going well.  But just when I got him to the point where he wasn’t needing any grain, he up and died on me.”

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

 

 

A nervous wreck

 

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

 

 

A stick

When he tried playing third base – “Third ain’t so bad if nothin’ is hit to you.”

When handed a check made out to “Pay to Bearer” – “This ain’t the way to spell my name.”

During an All-Star pregame meeting designed to analyze strengths of National League batters – “You guys are trying to stop Musial in fifteen minutes when the National League ain’t stopped him in fifteen years.”

“You can’t win all the time.  There are guys out there who are better than you.”

“You’ve got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”

The participants in a recent chess tournament held at the Holiday Inn  were prohibited from congregating in the lobby after they spent all night bragging about their efforts.  The manager said, “we can’t have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Several years after my work at Meijer (see preceding post) the store brought in a juice making machine where you pile oranges in the top and collect the juice in plastic jugs at the bottom.  One of my service unit (bagger) friends asked to run the new machine but was told no because

           “Baggers can’t be juicers.”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Ouch!”

 

A fish swims into a wall and says, “Dam!”

What time do you go to the dentist?

 

2:30

 

 

 

(tooth hurty!)

 

 

 

 

A man went to a new Indian doctor for an infection near his tooth.  The doctor’s recommendation was  “transcend dental medication”.

 

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”

On a White House dinner he attended – “It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were so many people talking.”

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

Explaining how he had kept his youthful appearance – “Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.”

“So I’m ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.”