More winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest.  See the 8/24/13 post and look forward to 9/28/13 for more.

  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Wooabridge)

 Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (RusseIl Beland, Springfield)

 Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hllls)

 He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

 The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

 Her date was pleasant enough but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.” (Russell Beland, Springfield)

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” 

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

                                                                                                Tangent

 

What do you say when you see an empty parrot cage?

                                                                                                Polygon

 

What do you call a crushed angle?

                                                                                                A Rectangle

 

What did the Italian say when the witch doctor removed the curse?

                                                                                                Hexagon

 

What did the little acorn say when he grew up?

                                                                                                Geometry

The Middle School was having trouble with all the girls who would kiss the restroom mirror after applying lipstick.  Warnings, announcements, occasional monitoring – nothing worked to break the habit, until the principal rounded up the likely offenders one day in the bathroom and explained that it took a great deal of work to clean the mirrors. “And to show you how much work it is, I have asked the custodian to demonstrate.”  At which point the janitor grabbed a toilet bowl brush out of the nearest stall and began to scrub the mirror.

The school did not have any more lipstick trouble after that.

A German man takes his wiener dog on safari in Africa.  One day the dog wanders off from the tent and gets lost, and then finds a large pile of elephant bones.  He is far from camp when he sees a cheetah racing toward him.  When the cat is within hearing distance, the dog turns his back to the cheetah and says loudly, “Yummm.  That elephant was sure good, even if it was hard to bring down.”

The cheetah slinks away, not sure what to make of this great hunter.

A monkey up in the tree witnessed the dog’s deception.  He chases after the cheetah and tells it the whole story.  So the cheetah is mad and comes racing to get revenge.

The wiener dog sees the cheetah coming with the monkey on his back and again waits until the cat is within hearing distance to say loudly, “Now where is that monkey? I told him a long time ago to go and bring me a cheetah!”

A man goes to the doctor and complains about his recurring dreams. “Doc, every night I have these dreams that are full of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy.  At least once a night, just Mickey, Donald, and Goofy.”

The doctor asks, “How long have you been having these Disney spells?”

Winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest. (Actually most of them are similes –but … whatever).  These have circulated on the internet for years…

 He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

 She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open agaln. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

 The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Saoourin, Silver Spring)

 From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

 Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

 

 

Because they have big fingers

 

 

A lumber company in the Northwest had a project going to harvest a timbered area.  They interviewed Swen, a tall, muscled Swede and set him to work cutting down trees.  They interviewed Mario, a short, broad-shouldered Italian, and set him to work splitting the wood.  And they interviewed Lee, a slightly built Chinese man.  Lee was placed in charge of supplies, and they showed him the warehouse.

Several weeks later the boss came back to check on progress.  Most of the trees were felled and split, so the boss was happy with Swen and Mario.  “Let’s go look at the warehouse.”

The boss opened the door and the warehouse was dark.  The light switch didn’t work. He tripped over some boxes.  “Where is that Lee character?”

Suddenly Lee jumps out from behind some boxes and yells, “Supplies!”