Who is the Irish guy sitting out on your deck?

 

 

Paddy O’Furniture

 

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

 

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison. Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE, Dad, don’t dig up the garden! That’s where I buried the GUNS!”

At 4 the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was, “Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you at this time.”

When is a door not a door? 

 

When it’s ajar.

Even more Winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest. See the 8/24/13 and 9/14/13 posts for more.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

 The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, la.)

 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

 John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

 His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

 The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown)

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.  They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near!  Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them: “Leave us alone you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor ….. “You think we should shorten the sign to ‘Bridge out’ instead?”

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

 

 

Nacho Cheese

 

 

 

What do you can an angle which is adorable?

                                                                                                Acute angle

 

What do you use to tie up a package?

                                                                                                A Chord

 

What do you call a fierce beast?

                                                                                                A Line

 

What do you call more than one L?

                                                                                                A Parallel

 

What do you call people who are in favor of tractors?

                                                                                                Protractors

 

What should you do when it rains?

                                                                                                Coincide

 

See the 9/7/13 post for prior Geometry puns.

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called “911”.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again”

A magician walks down the street and turns into a doorway.