These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

See October 12 and look forward to November 9 for more airline attendant announcements.

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children.”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Heard on Pan American Airlines just after a very hard landing in San Francisco Airport: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…it was the asphalt!”

A man in Wisconsin came out of a bar and stumbled down the street.  He paused behind a car, then straightened and stepped to the driver’s side door.  He fumbled with his keys and dropped them to the ground.  After picking up the keys he finally got the car open and got in.  He sat there a few minutes, started the car, and drove slowly down the street.

Whirr-Whirr-Whirr; a cop car’s lights and siren went on and pulled the man over.  The man was asked to get out of the car, walk a straight line, take a Breathalyzer test, and count backward from 25.  The cop was amazed when he passed all the tests! “How are you not drunk?”

The man says, “Tonight is my turn to be the designated decoy.”

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

 

 

Frostbite

These are additional answers to science and health tests.  See October 5 and look ahead to November 2 for more!

– Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

– Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

– Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

– The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

– A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

– To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.  The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.  

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.  Thank God for heroes.  

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them  all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked.

 

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

A flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

“Thank you for flying United’s Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”