Clean Jokes

Law Abiding?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22MPH. He thinks to himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”. So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies inside. The three in the back are wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am” says the officer, “You weren’t speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers”.

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…twenty-two miles per hour!” the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the police officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go Ma’am, I have to ask….Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer, we just got off Route 119”.

Still More Steven Wright

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

“Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

“I intend to live forever… So far, so good.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

“If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?”

Check out more Steven Wright statements here, here, and here.

 

 

Toast?

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

 

Tech Support

Most Computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard

Anyone who thinks the customer is always right never worked in tech support

I found your problem.  You need a user upgrade.

Document my code?  Why do you think they call it “code”?

Hot Air Mess

Two executives are traveling in a hot-air balloon and suddenly realize that they’re lost. They shout down to a guy in the meadow, “Where are we?”

The guy thinks for a bit and then replies, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.”

The balloonist says, “What you told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “You must be in management.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”