Never trust an atom.  They make up everything.

 Resistance is not futile.  It’s voltage divided by current.

 When I talk about computers, I make my motherboard

Another day with no plans to use CALCULUS.

If it weren’t for physics, I’d be unstoppable.

 My theory on inertia has no momentum.

 

 

Technology that is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.

Let’s eat Grandma. 

Let’s eat, Grandma. 

Commas save lives.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.  It was TENSE.

One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.

The preacher said to him, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk said yes.

The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, “Have you found Jesus?” The drunk said no.

The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, “Have you found Jesus?” The drunk again said no.

The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, “Have you found Jesus?” The drunk said, “Are you sure he fell in here?”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

See 11/16/13 for prior Hystor-ical answers

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

SirWalter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies and  Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.  Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 

The furnace blew up at the boarding house and roomers were flying!

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.  I think I’ll make a few more.

 

i Tired.  There’s a nap for that.

 

I dream of a society where a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.

 

If you can’t stand the heat, don’t tickle the dragon.

 

Those who can, teach.  Those who can’t, pass laws about teaching.

 

For lease: Navidad