Sparky was manager of the Detroit Tigers baseball team

 On Willie Stargell batting in Tiger Stadium for an All-Star Game: “He’s such a big, strong guy, he should love that short field.  He’s got power enough to hit home runs in any park, including Yellowstone.”

I know what the guy in the other dugout is feeling because I’ve been there myself.  My God, what an awful feeling it is, I understand that.  But understanding is something you’ll never truly understand.

If you’ve got a group that wants to win, you’ve got to let them.

On the designated hitter:  “I’ve changed my mind about it.  Instead of being bad, it stinks.”

The only reason I’m coming out here tomorrow is the schedule says I have to – After losing 16-4 to Minnesota

There ain’t no way that no Jack Morris ain’t gonna win no 20 games – a quintuple negative

A man was leaving for vacation in Alaska and he promised to mail his friend a piece of glacier.

The friend said, “That’s crazy.  By the time it gets here, it’ll be gone.

The vacationer blurted, “YOU”RE crazy! Who’d want to steal a piece of glacier from an envelope?”

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

 

Quattro sinko

These were found in the Mental Floss catalog:

Hyperbole is the BEST thing ever!

Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme

I avoid clichés like the plague

Palindromes are Rasemordnilap!

Spell Czech

Veni Vedi Wiki – I came, I saw, I edited collaboratively

 

Two golfers reached the treacherous ninth hole which had a huge ravine just off the green.  One of them landed on the green, and the other watched his ball disappear into the canyon.  He decided to go down and play it where it lie.  Eventually the ball popped up to the green and the golfer climbed out.

“Not bad for three strokes!”

His partner said, “I heard at least six hits.”

“Three of them were echoes.”

At break time, a workman opened up his lunch box, pulled out his sandwich, and said, “Yuck.  Tuna.”

The next day, he opened his lunch, pulled out his sandwich, and said “Darn. Tuna again.”

After doing the same thing for a third day, his buddy asked, “why don’t you have your wife make you something different?”

The workman replied, “Oh, I make my own lunch.”

These were found in Milton Berle’s Private Joke File.  He admits that some were “borrowed” from others:

A pig bought on credit is forever grunting

A wet bird never flies

Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities

It’s a bad cook who can’t lick her own fingers

You always get the last word if you argue alone

When we are flat on our backs, there is no way to look but up

Only the wise can be perplexed

A crowd is not company

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he found a dead cat. She asked “How do you know that it was dead?” “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know”, explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

#1: A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”

#2: The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

 

Thanks, Tim!

See the first set of professional hymns on 12/28/13

The IRS Agent’s Hymn:                    I Surrender All

The Gossip’s Hymn:                          Pass It On

The Electrician’s Hymn:                  Send The Light

The Shopper’s Hymn:                      Sweet By and By

The Realtor’s Hymn                         I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn:    He Touched Me

The Doctor’s/ Hymn:                       The Great Physician