A little boy was asked one Sunday morning, “What is small and furry, has a long tail, and likes nuts?”

The boy pondered and answered, “It sounds like a squirrel but since this is Sunday School, I’m going to guess Jesus.”

When you’re cold, why should you stand in the corner?

 

Because it’s 90 degrees.

 

Belatedly,

Thanks to Linnea

Gravity.  It’s time to get down

Kinetic Energy: Pass it On

World Physics Society Family Reunion – be the Half-Life of the party!

May the Mass Times Acceleration be with you

I’m no rocket surgeon

A man walked into a dentist’s office and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “You do know that I am a dentist.”

“Yes”

“You really need a psychiatrist, not a dentist.”

“Yes”

“Why did you come to me?”

“Because the light was on.”

Two men had a discussion about smoking…

“How many cigars do you smoke in a day?”

“A dozen.”

“What do they cost?”

“A dollar each.”

That comes to twelve dollars a day, eighty-four dollars a week, over four thousand a year. How long have you been smoking?”

Fifty years.”

“That adds up to a lot of money.”

“It certainly does.”

“See that building across the street?”

“It’s nice.”

“If you didn’t smoke, you probably could own that building.”

“Have you ever smoked?”

“Never.”

“Do you own that building?”

“No.”

“Well, I do!”

These were also found in Milton Berle’s Private Joke File.  See 1/25/14 for “Proverbs”

 

A man with a split personality went to a psychiatrist who was nice enough to give him a group rate

One psychiatrist decorated his office with overwrought iron

When you go to a psychiatrist, why do they call it free association?

A psychiatrist just went broke.  People kept giving him a penny for his thoughts

A psychiatrist had two baskets on top of his desk.  On was marked OUTGOING; the other was marked INHIBITED.

My psychiatrist cured me of a ringing in my ears.  Now I have an unlisted head.

A mommy skunk was always worried about her two children, Out and In.

One day she couldn’t find In, so she sent Out out to bring In in.

In about twenty seconds, Out brought In in. The mommy skunk asked, “How did you find him so fast?”

“It was easy – In stinct”

See 2/1/14 for a prior list.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Listen and Silent have the same letters.  Coincidence?

A backward poet writes inverse.

Grammar Police:  To Correct and to Serve

I before E, except when eight feisty neighbors seize a surfeit of weighty heifers.

Keep clam and proofread.

In honor of Spring Training starting this week…

 

Rover:  “Last night I dreamt I was chased by the Dog Catcher.”

Boy: “Did he catch you?”

Rover:  “He didn’t, but he threw to the Dog Third Baseman who tagged me out in a rundown.”

A man saw a pig with a wooden leg hobbling in a farmyard, More than a little curious, the man went over to the farmer, who was whittling away as he sat on the porch. The man asked the farmer to explain the pig’s wooden leg.

The Famer said, “That pig is something special.  Three weeks ago I was out in the field working my big reaper.  The darn thing hit a rock and tumbled over with me under it.  That pig saw what happened, ran back to fetch my wife and son, and saved my life.  A week ago, my wife slipped and fell into the well. That pig dragged me out of the barn and pushed me at the well.  I saved my wife just before she was going down for the third time.  Just the other day, the house caught on fire.  That pig dragged the baby out and saved her.”

“But why does he have one wooden leg?”

“Sir, you don’t eat a pig like that all at once!”