PBS (Pearls Before Swine) pun-ishment can be found here.

 

Hi, Goat. It’s me, Pig. I’m at your house. Some guy named Yves is here to destroy your garage.

Oh, yeah. He’s from ‘Destruction, Inc.’ They’re gonna demolish my garage so I can build a new one.

Gee. I thought he was doing something bad, so Rat and I have been standing on top of him to prevent it.

You’ve gotta be kidding me. You and Rat aren’t rally standing on an employee of ‘Destruction, Inc,’ are you?

You don’t believe we’re on the Yves of Destruction?

 

That clinic downtown that did enemas is finally closing down.

How come?

I guess they failed to make some of their tax payments.

So, their enema business was in arrears?

Their payments were behind.

Did the landlord say, “No ifs, ands, or buts”?

 

Save me, Pig! I’m a chicken breast and if the fast food chains get ahold of me, they’ll chop me into little nuggets.

And you don’t like that?

No… I don’t even know what a nugget is.

Then I’ll try to get the fast food chains to stop. Do you want me to keep you informed of my efforts?

Yes. I’d appreciate your keeping me abreast of keeping me a breast.

A man walks up a museum, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. The guard at the door informs him, “You can’t enter here, sir. This museum has a strict dress code.”

The man nods and returns to his car. He roots around looking for anything at all in his car to dress himself up, but can’t find anything. In his desperation, he wraps his jumper cables around his neck and returns to the guard at the museum entrance.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t find anything nice to wear, but I was able to put these jumper cables around neck as a tie. Please, I’m begging you, can I come in now?”

The guard replies, “Well,” he pauses for consideration, “alright, just don’t try to start anything.”

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

For more jumbles and an explanation, see here.

When they asked Robin Hood if he’d like to have their next meeting in the forest, he said he

_ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _.

 

The plant nursery owner’s son was a

_ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _.

 

The pickpocket at the bottom of the Grand Canyon was a

_ _ _ _ _ _ _.

 

Thomas Edison was able to invent the phonograph thanks to the fact that his

_ _ _ _ _   _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _.

 

The tightrope walker who stopped to check his email was

_ _ _ _ _ _.

 

He needed a partner to build a new abacus business, and his buddy said

_ _ _ _ _   _ _   _ _.

 

 

 

Sure would

 

Growing Boy

 

Lowlife

 

Logic Was Sound

 

Online

 

Count Me In

 

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

 

Why can’t cows stop chewing marijuana?

Because the pot calls the cattle back.

 

 

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: “Breathe, stupid!”

 

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

A: Fingernails.

 

Q: What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

 

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?

A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake

A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He’s sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice.

“Nice shirt.”

He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking.

“Nice tie,” the voice says again.

He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing.

“Oh, that’s the peanuts,” the bartender said.

“The peanuts?” asked the man.

“Yeah, they’re complimentary.”

The following are taken from the comic strip Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Paris.

 

Hey, do you want to go to that new burger place with me?

I can’t. They give out too many French fries with their burgers and I’ll get fat.

Just don’t eat them all.

When one has French fries in front of him, one cannot stop eating until every French fry has been consumed. – Newton’s fourth law

Not a Newtonian Law

A mouth in motion tends to stay in motion.

 

What does it mean when people say something is ‘meta’?

It’s when a creative work refers to itself.

What for?

Let me try to explain with a metaphor. Do you know how a metaphor works?

No. What’s a meta metaphor for?

Well, say you met a four…

STOP!

 

Neighbor Bob and his wife have gotten a goose. They say it’s helped with their relationship

How so?

When Bob is nice to the goose, his wife feels closer to him, and as a result, she’s more open and frank with him.

So what’s good for the goose is good for the candor.

Bob: “Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder.”

Jim: “Oh my God, are you okay?”

Bob: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”