My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

 

Bird contest.  No perches necessary.

Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Rhinos are just chubby Unicorns.

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

See 12/6/14 for earlier animal items

 

A toothpaste manufacturer was having trouble because empty toothpaste boxes were being shipped to stores.  They hired a consulting firm to find a solution; the engineers developed a very sensitive scale that could tell the difference between a full box and an empty one.  When the scale beeped, the line would halt until the empty box was removed.

The plant manager tracked the results.  For the first week there were 8-10 halts per day, but then they stopped altogether.  Worried that the scale was no longer working, the boss checked things out and found a large fan had been placed near the end of the line.  “What’s this?” he asked.  “The janitor was tired of restarting the line all day, so he set up the fan to blow the empty boxes off the belt.”

“Oh.”

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

Measure twice, cut once, curse, buy more, cut again.

Engineer’s Motto:  If it isn’t broken, take it apart and fix it.

If you think space is the final frontier, you should see my garage.

Speaking about his then-current batting slump Reggie Jackson reportedly said:

“So many ideas come to you and you want to try them all, but you can’t. You’re like a mosquito in a nudist camp.  You don’t know where to start.”

What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of tree it would kill you?

A pool table

 

Department of Redundancy Department

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery

Eschew Obfuscation

There and Their.  They’re not the same.

Libraries:  Shhhh Happens

Someone stole my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

 

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.