More Awful Animals

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies

 

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? A Golden Receiver!

 

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? Rough! Rough!

 

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

 

 

Awful Animals

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?

With a cow-culator

 

What’s a cow’s favorite moo-sical note?

Beef-flat

 

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

 

Three birders walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. (Get it?)

  • Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?
  • Birder 2: A gulp.
  • Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.
  • Birder 2: It’s like a swallow, only it’s bigger

Worldview Decision

One day, the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”

“Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Double Arrrrrgh

What’s a pirate’s favorite crime?

I don’t know…  Arrrrson?

Of course not; it’s piracy!

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?

The Arrrrrrmy?

No! It’s the Navy; they’re pirates!

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite element?

Arrrrrsenic?

No, gold.  Duh.

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite mode of transport?

A carrrrr?

No. A ship.

 

What Goes Around

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an earache.”

2000 B.C. — “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. — “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. — “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. — “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. — “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2000 A.D. — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

 

Careful What You Wish For

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

Make A Change

Signs that you need to get away from the computer

  • You try to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, “What’s for dinner, Dad?”
  • Your daughter sets up a website to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.