What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies

 

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? A Golden Receiver!

 

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? Rough! Rough!

 

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

 

 

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?

With a cow-culator

 

What’s a cow’s favorite moo-sical note?

Beef-flat

 

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

 

Three birders walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. (Get it?)

• Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?
• Birder 2: A gulp.
• Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.
• Birder 2: It’s like a swallow, only it’s bigger

Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlor and ordered a pizza.

The server asked, “Do you want your usual? Deep, pan, crisp, and even?”

One day, the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”

“Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

What’s a pirate’s favorite crime?

I don’t know…  Arrrrson?

Of course not; it’s piracy!

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?

The Arrrrrrmy?

No! It’s the Navy; they’re pirates!

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite element?

Arrrrrsenic?

No, gold.  Duh.

 

What’s a pirate’s favorite mode of transport?

A carrrrr?

No. A ship.

 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an earache.”

2000 B.C. — “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. — “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. — “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. — “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. — “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2000 A.D. — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

Signs that you need to get away from the computer

• You try to enter your password on the microwave.
• You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, “What’s for dinner, Dad?”
• Your daughter sets up a website to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
• You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a dog who can do magic?

A Labracadabrador