I had always known there were two kinds of drivers to avoid:

Lane Dead – Driving along slowly in the interstate left lane, not paying attention to cars riding right on their bumper or passing on the right.

Light Sleepers – Distracted and oblivious, they notice that the red light has turned green just in time to get through themselves but prevent those behind from proceeding.

On our drive home last Monday from Chicago (we enjoyed a weekend with daughter Linnea), Diane and I were identifying multiple variations of the Lane Dead:

On I-94 in Indiana and for many miles into Michigan, the highway has three lanes.  The lady in the Honda Odyssey who is gripping the steering wheel tightly and going exactly the speed limit in the middle lane, ignoring the cars roaring past on the right and the left, is Lane Righteous. She is not breaking the law like all these speeders, although she is ignoring the rule of the road to stay right unless passing.

The Lane Righteous are most dangerous when moving into the left lane to pass the person who is driving just below the speed limit.  They creep along together, usually while passing a truck in the right lane and earn the title Lane Dim.

Some drivers see the signs that the left lane is closing ahead and speed up to get around as many vehicles as possible. The ones who cut others off just at the last minute are Lane Cheetahs (Cheaters…)

Some will jump over in the left lane as soon as they merge onto the highway, especially when they are behind a truck.  If they cut off the current person in the left lane, they qualify as Lane Bullies.

It is amazing how many people drive just over the speed limit in the left lane of a two-lane freeway.

-The original Lane Dead are those talking to the passengers, not paying attention, and are Lane Oblivious, much like the aforementioned Light Sleepers.

-Some stay too long in the left lane because they have previously been caught behind an even slower driver in the right lane and struggled to get back into the left lane to pass.  These are the Lane Paranoid.

-Some, usually in a Mercedes-Benz, don’t move over because they feel they belong in the left lane.  They are Lane Snobs.

The hardest case to name is the person who does not like to pass trucks.  They don’t have cruise control, slow way down when going around big vehicles and then speed up like crazy once they get past.  We first thought of Lane Timid, but that does not fit the maddening surge that means everyone behind them will slow down again at the next truck. The best we have so far is Lane Twitted. 

The last category is best seen on Mt Hope Avenue, headed west from East Lansing to Lansing, where it goes from two lanes down to one. The right lane has the right-of-way, but many drivers cruise along in the left lane and expect everyone to let them in when the lane changes.  Perhaps they have never seen the signs and so are Lane Assumers, which is appropriate because we know what happens when you assume.

Feel free to comment with descriptions of any other Lane Dead drivers you have encountered.